soccer mom side effects

this afternoon, we piled soccer cleats, shin guards, water bottles, & enough soccer balls for everyone into the station wagon & headed in to javin’s soccer practice.  listening to jimmy eat world, sun shining, it was a fantastic day to be driving, & javin loveloveloves soccer.  seventy degrees, running kids, nice moms to chit chat with as we sat in the grass beside the field.  good activity, something to break up the routine & freshen us all up.

today, however, i drove cautiously, not fussing with my cd’s, not talking on my phone. not even really paying much attention to the kids (if i’m honest).  i focused on the road.  i checked & rechecked every turn i made.

last week, on the way to soccer, at the place where county road B intersects highway 29, i rear-ended a pick-up truck.  nobody was hurt, as i was only driving about 5 miles an hour, pulling up onto the highway (or, as it turned out, the back end of a beer distributing truck).  neither vehicle looked damaged much, so really no biggie, right?  (except the other guy’s truck actually ended up needing fourteen hundred dollars worth of repairs.  holy maloney.  i didn’t know i had it in me!)

after giving the other guy my phone number, & straightening out my license plate, & crying (because that’s what i do), i got back into my ford taurus where the kids were waiting with questions.  i had a few of my own.  what the heck was i DOING?

there could be a few explanations: i didn’t see said truck. i thought he’d already gone when i went to pull onto highway 29. i could have been distracted (what? three kids under the age of 8 distracting? noooooo. . . .). it could be the d.a.r.n. pregnancy hormones.

OR, could’ve just been a mistake.

yeah, that last one? i don’t like that much. i’d rather think it was the hormones. or bad vision because of the hormones (that’s a thing, right?).   or even that i was terribly distracted thinking of meal plans & kid activities & housework.

but the truth is, it was just an accident.  i do stupid stuff.  I AM NOT PERFECT.
& i don’t like it one bit.

like the rest of humanity i bet, this fallibility  is something i wrestle with.  every time i holler at the kids.  every time my bread caves in in the middle (which happens more than i care to admit, though i’ve been doing this for years).  every time i am frustrated with andy or i leave eggs frying too long on the cast iron or i want to think up a bunch of excuses when thalia asks me if i want to color.  every time, i get this deep-down-dragging-me-to-the-bottom feeling that says i have failed;  i am not perfect.

the equation goes: if i am not perfect = i have failed = i am not good enough.

now, isn’t this just exactly what we try to teach our children ISN’T true? we don’t determine their worth by what they do, how they perform.  we don’t love them less when they leave their pajamas on the floor (although it gets old after awhile).   we don’t think they are not good enough because of the crumbs on the table or the ping pong balls all over the yard (really) or the dirt tracked into the house yet again.  we love them because they are OURS.  they are valuable, valued, because they belong to us.  because they are who they are.

but the same true for me?  is it possible i’m okay AND i’m flawed?  is it {gasp} okay to be flawed?  can i cut myself a little slack?  maybe see my value because & only because i AM?  because of Who i belong to?

apparently, this soccer mom could use a little parenting. (& i thought soccer was just about the goals.)

4 thoughts on “soccer mom side effects

  1. Beautiful post, Jill! BTW sorry about your fender-bender. That could be me too many times!
    I have to tell you that I label myself a failure of a mom far too many times because, believe it or not, (wink) I too, can’t live up to the “perfect mom” picture that I think I’m supposed to be. Of course scripture soothes my soul & tells me what is TRUE, but I am also reading a book called Am I Messing Up My Kids? by Lysa TerKeurst. It’s the confessions of a non-perfect mom who helps us see who God wants us to be as moms. Her insights have helped me try to get over the “perfect mom” thing. Just as you state here – that our value comes from WHO we belong to. So I thought maybe you’d enjoy that read too! I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. 🙂

    1. it’s comforting to know you’re on the same page, dear! i’ll give the book a look. i ask that question to myself, “am i messing up my kids?” or even “HOW am i messing up my kids?” at least once a day. thanks for the good word!

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