to ask for help.

i’m not needy.  & i don’t ask for help.  & i honestly believe i really don’t need it.  ev. er.

photo credit: kieran, my 3-year-old.  no joke.

& now i’m realizing that that’s not noble, nor is it, er. . .helpful.

for whatever reason, i smashed into something tangible during my formative years, sort of a neon sign hollering, “YOU CAN’T TRUST PEOPLE.  YOU NEED TO FIGURE IT OUT BY YOURSELF.”

& so i did.  & i got darn good at it, too.  i could manage.  i had plenty of friends, but i didn’t NEED anyone. even when i had children, i could do it all myself.  someone to watch the kids?  nope; i’m good.  a break?  i’ll take one when he’s 18.  maybe.  if i need it.  you want to come over & help me pack boxes?  ya know, you can if you want to.  but i don’t NEED you to.  please don’t think i do.

i wholeheartedly, unabashedly convinced myself that i was fine with just myself.  i didn’t NEED anyone.

not like you’re supposed to.  what???  SUPPOSED TO??

part of being a piece of the Body, heck, part of being a piece of humanity is interdependence.  i’ve been hanging out with Jesus for a lot of years, & this is part of my theology.  in my brain, anyway.  not necessarily under my skin.  where it matters.

& now, carrying my fourth child, we’re crash coursing this.  turns out, i can’t stay on my feet much at 33 weeks.  when i do, we got all kinds of contractions going on.  my legs ache, my back aches, & generally my body is saying, “SIT THE HECK DOWN, WOMAN.”  i don’t like it, i’m not used to it, &, well, i don’t like it.

so i’m learrrrrrnnnnnning to ask.  for help.  for what i need.  instead of boldly & proudly declaring, “no, you don’t need to bring anything to dinner;  we’ve got everything under control,” i hear myself saying, “would you mind bringing a salad?” (whose voice is that, anyway?)  also, “honey, could you throw in that load of laundry when you head downstairs?”  & the clincher (i hear a hallelujah chorus, do you?  you will.), “kids, i need you to put away the dishes after you clean up the dinner table, & then we need to fold laundry.”

frankly, these are tiny, baby questions, but a girl’s got to start somewhere, apparently.  & even this miniscule asking makes my skin crawl.  where have my super powers gone to?

the interesting bit: my asking is in direct correlation to a seriously amped up Love around me.  i didn’t know interdependence was a direct line that Love uses.  that when we open ourselves up to let someone else into our need, a giant chunk of Love lodges in our hearts & grows us.   together, & in our own chests, too.  like the Grinch.

so now, i may ask you for help (avoid me if this frightens you.).  i quite possibly will take you up on that offer.  as it turns out, i need you.  i didn’t know it, & i certainly didn’t want to believe it, but that’s how it is.  how we were made.  how He intended when He wrote us in script together.

& now, i’m just a little less squeamish with the whole bit.

can you bring a salad?

4 thoughts on “to ask for help.

  1. Wow Jill , this totally sounded like me with the 6th child!! I found it to be a super growing piont in my life to realize I can do it myself but I need to have the Love from others when I do ask for help and they are happy to help me! I even enjoy people when they ask now if they can help with a door opening! I say there was a time I wouldn’t except it but now I can get all the help I can!! How the love flows and people are connected! You feel well because you feel loved and they feel love because they were able to love! Jill I loved this just to know I too am not defeated because I need people in my life!! Completely and totally can relate!!

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