are you martyr-y, like me?

i’ve always been a “hard now-easy later” person.  scrub the toilet now so you can relax & read maeve binchy later.  eat the kidney beans first so the chili-sourcream-onion ratio is perfect in the end.  save the quarters in the glass milk jar on the counter now for coffee & dinner out on your anniversary.

but hard now-easy later gets a little martyr-y around here.  i will bury myself in my chore list before i’ll sit down & read a chapter of my novel.  i will wash dishes & fold laundry & wipe down the bathroom & organize the refrigerator before i’ll relax into reading bedtime stories to the kids.  while it’s fantastic to clean the house, get the work done, & save the money, sometimes you have to wander off your own path, for the sake of life itself.

at what point do you sit down, shut up, & enjoy life??

kieran in the throes of both a homemade donut & a fistful of strawberries at the farmer’s market.  

kids know inherently how to enjoy life.  they’re geared for it;  enjoyment is their natural setting.  more dessert?  yes, please. sit down & burrow into my favorite book?  of course i will.  they easily lose themselves working trick-bike tricks or dancing in the spray of the pressure washer.  nobody has to tell them when to stop & have fun.

last night, as andy took a break from pressure washing the house.  house showing today!

while i don’t intend to revert to six years old (& the coercion it takes to get work done), there’s a lengthy swath between me & them.  between how i perceive life & how they do.  i want to strike a better balance.  write a better story.

i don’t want my big grown-up-ness to lessen my life.

this slowing down on account of baby bean has been one concentrated semester of purposed living.  i don’t have to do it all.  i can’t.  & now i’m wondering why i wanted to.

i’ve sat down, rested, & took measures to refresh more in the last two months than in the previous 35 years total.  (it feels like it.)  i’ve read entire novels, sat on the floor for more puzzles, read endless volumes to the kids.

& this forced slowing led me to grasp the living waters the bible talks about.  as a believer, i thought being led to springs of life sounded like a fantastic idea, but, come on.  i’ve got to get stuff done.  i’ll just notice them on the way by.

now i’m realizing sometimes you have to wander off your own path, for the sake of life itself.

so, i’m going to savor what comes in the next two weeks before baby bean does.  i won’t do it all.  i’m beginning to not want to, anyway.  it’s a little boring, & see those kids over there dancing in the sunshine with popscicle juice dripping off their chins?  that looks like a good time.

join me? 

2 thoughts on “are you martyr-y, like me?

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