we just don’t know what we need.

& when we think we do, we usually get it wrong.  at least i do.

the privilege of finite creatures.  anyone?

today, for example.  my due date.  would have put my life on having Bean before now.  but here we are, hallelujah rain pouring outside the window, kids tucked in with grandma in the basement for a sleepover, & no Bean.  not even the merest hint of Bean.

but the days float by, stuffed with their own brand of ordinary glory.

okay, then.

i didn’t know this week would be for sitting long & well with this little guy reading dora or building wooden models from IKEA pieces, pockets of time tucked into his belly to buoy him through the impending rock-quaking.  pockets of time tucked into my belly, littlest-boy-as-baby-still.  

or that this settling down into our chairs of we-live-here-certainly would be so comforting.  such a gigantic hug in the midst of all else.  i knew we needed to move.  now.  heck, yesterday, please & thank you.  but now we are not & it is the better-than-i-thought.

isn’t that how it goes?

on some days i love that i don’t know.  but truthfully, most days i rack & riddle & wrestle with anything that will give me answers.  “what if?”  “suppose that. . .”  “maybe, just maybe. . .”

& honestly, all three veins detract just a little & big from what’s actually unfolding.

i don’t want to miss the life in front of me while i grab tightly onto what i think i need & am not getting.

i want to own the unknowing, to revel in it, to join the great surprise of every day until i can wake bright-eyed with my children, anxious for the day to unfold & Him to unfold His greatness in it.

today?  might be about having a baby.  might be about hangin’ with my mom, here for babytimes.  might be tucking a few extra loves & snuggles into the three i already have, filling them to the edges of themselves in mama love.

i don’t know.  & i’m learning that not having to is good.  very good.

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