early this morning, the world still dark, i woke to bitty baby leif rustling beside me. i’m trying a sleep-your-baby-better experiment*, so i rooted around for my cell phone to see if we’d made it to 5 a.m. 4:33. close enough. good job, baby. & hallelujah. let the nursing commence.
& then i remembered what day it was! day of days! my birthday! a day to skip the dishes & eat cheesecake! as of 4:11 this morning, i have been out in the open air for thirty six whole years. and my very next thought, in the blind haze of early morning? thank You for me. i was a bit stunned. i usually prefer to self-loathe. or, more accurately, keep a running tally of what i can improve upon, not a banner waving that reads, “i love me!”.
i’m not often bathed in self-acceptance (dare i say “appreciation”?) but maybe i should be. maybe we all should be.
& then i smiled at this thought, this whisper down in the bottom of my belly, with all the world asleep around me. (& just for fun, that number currently is 3. one husband, one infant, & a 3-year-old in the adjoining twin mattress squinched between our bed & the wall. apparently our sleep slogan is, “the more, the merrier” (of our own children, that is). this number is subject to change, especially on nights that involve coughing, crying, bad dreams, or that end in “y”.)
& maybe that’s just the ticket: practice being a little more grateful for who i am. for who God made me. for my bald head & my infatuation with twinkle lights. for shopping farmer’s markets & enjoying mushrooms & zucchini. for being a mommy & the parts that make me a good mommy. for the parts i’m not proud of that make me human, & in-process. for my grammar brain & my love of hondas. for my introversion, & for the extroversion that waltzes out. for my hunger for words, & desire to camp in a barnes & noble. that i’ve climbed around in crumbling castles in ireland & that i keep a travel bug as a pet.
i don’t know, this is all a little new for me, this 6 a.m revelation. i think self-gratitude may be a a new practice i’d like to test-drive.
& i think i just received my first birthday gift.
happy birthday to me.
*no babies were harmed in this experiment, & there were no tears (unless you count mine shed for the rate of all this growing up around here. 🙂 talking “baby sleep” philosophy is akin to talking religion & politics. it can be alienating, & really, the world has enough junk flying around than to fill it with disagreements. if you’re curious as to what us britzs’ do, baby-raising or otherwise, shoot me your email or fb me. i’d love to peacefully share our story. i so love a good conversation!