i don’t even know where to begin. we just got house showing number four thousand & eighty six lined up (it feels like.). friday morning at 11:30. i’m not excited; i’m not not excited. i’m not even tired of this yet. there are such heaping benefits to this insane-o system we’ve got going here: it seems like every time i make the kids sweep the bathroom floor, every time i organize the chaos on top of the fridge, every time i straighten the towels in the hall closet (someone may look. it’s possible.), some shard of possession sloughs off & we are more ready than the last time. more ready rocks. (as does the kids doing housework. huzzah.)
& at the very same time, i am tired of this.
not the showing part but the waiting part. & not just this time but all the other times we’ve had a house listed & have been moving. do you know how much of our marriage we’ve spent moving? yeah, me neither. a lot. more than most. the ministry can do that to you. it’s like the army. only more churchy. (wink wink.)
i do know, actually. i did the simple math the other day, sitting in my sister-in-law’s backyard eating potato salad. 6 years. in 6 days, we’ll have been married 14 years. we’ve spent nearly half of our life together going some place else. putting our hopes & dreams in the basket of someday.
so much for living in the present.
so, it’s not this move that’s got me strung out. no, it’s more the collective pace. like a marathon runner who doesn’t know to pace herself. i keep sprinting around when i should be stopping for water. i have blisters on my soul. (sorry. it’s late & i just ate chocolate.) & i can’t help wondering why God is so slow. which is such sacrelig. i know that He isn’t, that everything is pacing with or without me, but i keep running ahead to make sure He’s doing it right.
& the nut i cracked open the other day, in the middle of a sunny afternoon mixing up chocolate chip cookies? i trust God, but i don’t really. i don’t honestly believe deep down in the most tender part of my belly that what He’s got going on for us is what i most need. i figure He’s got a good plan, but i’m not really gonna like it. it’s going to somehow be terrible, as if He doesn’t know me or truly love me in the way i say i believe. how’s that for a game changer? & where did it come from? oy, vey.
it’s not like my core faith is shaken, but i’m tangled up in a whole of mess of not-my-business. i’m not in charge here, but i’m acting like it. rearranging, micromanaging, second- & third- & fourth-guessing. that’s what’s got me worn out. (that & the toddler. who is POTTY-TRAINED. just had to throw that in there. woot woot.)
so tonight, i’ve got this on repeat. because i need a little balm for ye ol’ soul.
& if i have to play this until my ears fall off, until i can dig down into that hollowed out place just beneath the bottom crust of my faith, i will. because now i know we’ve got work to do.