so. if you’ve been around tiny and small awhile, you know we’ve been waiting to move for some time now. & waiting, & waiting, &, really, just sitting around waiting. for, like, the better part of four years. after much adieu, we finally have a solid, one hundred percent direction to tell you about:
we are moving nowhere.
not at all. we are staying right here, in the house we live in, on the land the house lies on. we have prayed, wrestled, listed, cleaned, decluttered, sold, sorted, boxed, & bagged. we have met with realtors. we (meaning andy) have scoured craigslist & zillow for places to go. & after all this energy spent, after retiling the fireplace & painting the bedrooms a faceless, neutral color, after giving away over half our stuff & selling our furniture & giving away most of our books because we just didn’t want to move. so. much., we are moving back into our own lives in the place we are in.
bet you never saw that comin’, huh? yeah, us either.
this all came down about a week ago, one night late after watching “once,” as andy & I stood in the kitchen in dim light, backs against opposite counters & played “what if”. we had the “what if’s” lobbing back & forth like championship badminton. it got later, I hopped up onto the countertop to get serious, & as we dug down into the bottom of who we both are, we realized we’d never actually given “here” a fighting chance. we dug out & lobbed up every single item on our dreams list, looking at it differently in that dim light. we actually truly love where we live. we had been thinking so linearly that we’d never given Jesus the opportunity to put his slant on just what we had already. we thought to be logical, responsible, smart, we needed to sell & downsize, buy more land. but what the Lord has been whispering to us in these last many days since we’ve opened up to the possibility of staying is that there’s a whole world inside this splendid acre we have here in our pockets. we just hadn’t been looking at it quite right. our sight has been skewed by sensible, when Christ has got a bead on spectacular.
well, then. i’ll take two.
the day after I wrote my last post, I had all four kids in the van with me, running errands, windows cracked, sunflower seeds flying (I love sunflower seeds when I drive. it’s a thing.). I was mulling over my frustrations, my inability to just let myself, my life, be within its current limbo, when the song “open up the heavens” came on by Meredith Andrews.
it was an arrow right through me:
open up the heavens, we want to see you
open up the floodgates, a mighty river
flowing from Your heart
filling every part of our praise
i’m not one to get all mystical about music (okay, I totally am), but this was a throw down for me. an “if You’ve really got good things planned for me, for my little ones, for andy & I together, I wanna see it”. my soul said (a little too brazenly for my own scandinavian taste, i’d say), “okay! i’m asking for it. blow us wide open. we want all You have for us. now & always. no more pansying around. we want the real deal. all of it. every. single. bit.”
& then, bodda-bing, bodda-boom.
Jesus cracked open a tiny window in our perspective & then gently nudged it open. we had done everything in our power, had done all we knew to do, & still nothing. no buyers, no new direction. a whole heap of nothing. it finally occurred to us: what if that meant something? could God be saying something through all the nothing happening?
(side note: do you know how many times I’ve heard “open up the heavens” since? absolute magic. wink, wink.)
so, game-changer, then. there’ll be no bus in the immediate future, & the hobby farming we’d envisioned will look a little different. but already i feel like a new woman in a new place. the minute I let out the breath i’d been holding for the last four years, preparing-always-preparing this house for someone else, I think I grew 3 inches. like the Grinch, when his heart was two sizes too small, but I digress. . . . & the really fun part? i’m fairly certain this is only the tippy top of something really, really good.
because this: trust in the Lord with all your heart. lean not on your own understanding. in all your ways, acknowledge Him, & He will make your paths straight. proverbs 3:5-6. I truly don’t understand how this has happened, but I know the intricacies leave me impressed with how powerful God is, how much He loves us in the details. & our path? well. straight back to where we started.