i was jotting down my nephew’s birthday in a blank square of my planner tonight, with little boys running through the kitchen, when i noticed today was the last day of summer. OH NO. i am not ready for this kind friend who has stayed long to be packing & riding off. we’ve had such a nice time, you & i, Summer! must you go? i mean, there was the garden & the chickens & the pool & the kids outside. so much loveliness.
i know it’s just a day, & tomorrow will be like today, but i felt a bit of grief.
sometimes i am the girl who would like everything & everyone to stay exactly the same, please & thank you.
on the backside of that sinking feeling was this thought, dredging up a quote i had scrawled awhile back:
there shall be eternal summer in the grateful heart.
i’m not going to lie to you: i feel like a dog chasing her tail, bringing up gratitude again. my life keeps circling around this, & maybe it’s so that i wear a groove into my days.
gratitude is slippery isn’t it? so much water through fingers unaware of what they hold. gratitude is a precious commodity, & when we hold it carefully, not letting it go, we are transformed closer to who we were meant to be. if we realized our lives depended on gratitude, maybe we’d try a little harder. i feel like i might.
: : : :
i was putting the kids to bed tonight, after story & teeth & kisses & hugs & doors closed to a just-so crack. when i am my best self, i play music for the kids to fall asleep to. i love music to death, & to fall asleep to it is a warm hug at the end of a long day.
you will laugh at this: my favorite bedtime band these days is Sleeping at Last. i don’t only like them because they give me hope the kids will finally sleep. they are grown-up lullabyes with smart lyrics. tonight i played their song “Saturn” & heard these words roll through our quiet dark:
with shortness of breath i’ll explain the infinite
how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist.
as i lay there between my little boys, one down & one to go, with the window open to this last summer evening, i thought, wouldn’t it be extraordinary if we could live like it was rare & beautiful that we existed? isn’t it a gift, just to be here at all? i know there is so much wrong with the world, with our lives, but i think maybe if we could get a handle on this, we would walk into our days radiating & expectant. i am here! hello, & let’s do this!
or maybe i’m smoking something.
all i know is when i remember to say “thank you,” i am better. which makes everyone around me better, & everything glows a bit brighter. it’s like a super power i can wield any ol’ time & it works. that’s the trick of it. gratitude never doesn’t work.
we say a lot of words. i think some of them should be “thank you.”
(p.s. — i’m going to try to be more regular in this place. i like it here, with you.
& thanks for reading here & commenting. so, so good to have you.)